The Cracked Cup

Hello, dear reader!

So, once again, you get the honour of a few words from the other half….. What a privilege! (Not that I am ever short of anything to say !!)

The past few weeks have seen a welcome change. For once in I don't know how many years I can see an improvement in my mental health. This brings about feelings of relief, renewed hope, but also feelings of fear. Let me attempt an explanation…

The Story So Far
For more years than I can remember— longer than I care to admit really—I haven't been well mentally. But, like many of us, I tried to carry on regardless, burying and hiding those scary feelings, and pretending to the world outside that everything was ‘just fine’. It wasn't until my world collapsed that I realised I wasn't right, and hadn't been for a very long time.

Surprisingly, the collapse didnt come after a major trauma, it was one small situation that involved a knock of my confidence that eventually tipped the balance. You can carry on using a cracked mug (especially if it's your favourite). It still holds your cuppa and it still feels comforting cos it's old and familia. But one day, that crack deepens and the mug properly breaks. It's a sad day!

Then comes the day when you have to start using a new mug. That's the scary part. The old familiar feel of the mug has to be replaced by something different, it might feel odd, the tea might not taste as nice in it, but you admit the fact that you have to get used to it—because the old mug unfortunately cannot be repaired. The times when I have seen people with sellotape holding their glass together, or copious patches in their favourite jeans, they struggle to part with what has become familiar, and are somewhat scared of the new.

And that's me at the moment. I know I can't go back to the way I was living before, I can't just stay as I am, I have to change somehow and live a life that's unfamiliar.

Bad V Good
When you've been in a marriage where your opinion doesn't matter, when what you want just becomes what they want, then being with someone who values your opinion and allows you to make choices is so completely alien. When you've been so used to being undervalued and mentally abused, then living a life where you are loved and cherished can feel wrong or even undeserved. The life I have now is good, the marriage I am in is unbelievably good and healthy, my relationships are supportive, but I do find myself just wondering if I deserve these things, or if these things are just an attempt to cover up a cracked and damaged me!.

I am reminded, often, (and I need reminding often !!!!) that there are things in my life that will happen that I cannot change. So I have to ask myself what I can change in these inevitable situations, and the only thing I can change is my reaction and how I deal with those events. I can choose to feel angry, I can choose to feel sad… But I can also choose to embrace the changes that difficult circumstances can often bring.

The Tina of old wouldn't have chosen what she wanted for a takeaway, The Tina of old wouldn't have even walked to the shop on her own a few months ago (and actually stop at the side of the road to listen to a very show-off bird singing). The Tina of old was utterly crippled with anxiety, constantly evaluated every conversation, and struggled to cope with any sort of change. Any sort of pressure would just make her crumble, and she just believed she couldn't— so she didn't try. (I still struggle to not very quickly say No to everything, even if I haven't even tried)

Ch-Ch-Changes
But I am changing. For once, I am changing the one thing that I can always make the decision to change, and that is me !.

Like most good transformations, the change in me hasn't happened overnight, and the change is very much a work in progress. I remind myself that I'm not going to manage to break away from habits that I have formed for almost 49 years that easily

I cannot use that broken cup again. It won't fulfil its cup-like purpose for me. So, if I ever want to enjoy a cuppa again, I have to make the conscious decision to get used to a new cup.

Simply ( and I like the simple things in life) looking at a new cup, or imagining a new cup just won't satisfy… I have to use the cup for it to fulfil what I need it to.

Here endeth the cup analogy !!!!!!!

The only way I am ever gonna move on with my life is by accepting the past - I can't change that, so I have to just radically accept, and try to get used to a new perspective. Spring is always a fantastic season of change, and maybe for the first time in a very, very long time ….. I am consciously allowing that season of change to happen in my life. And it actually feels pretty good.

Until nest time!

New Tales Of Old: Volume 2

https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B09TMVTX9H/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Death Ship

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/9198684140/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_fabc_TWEMTA3KWK7T89QEZPF6?fbclid=IwAR322Fx5nfgVUQAA62ZZ6CUsNnBm8pbSxPanzz6Qkjg3vAv4ESipq7iKKhs

https://www.waterstones.com/book/death-ship/david-green/s-o-green/9789198684148?fbclid=IwAR2gP4CXHSG7wTccO39wOqXFtI81k0259Ep8DUM48Ki6kTUdlKoF3yafojA

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/9198684140/ref=ewc_pr_img_1?smid=A2XZ7JICGUQ1CX&psc=1&fbclid=IwAR2Wa6sGxb82_VCsC7l1CGXwHjsSwTheqba6jDX_G8EDsywZoGpC93nXr2w

Reaperman

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Reaperman-Drabbles-3-Legends-Night-ebook/dp/B099NNPTQ1A

Pestilence

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Pestilence-Revelations-Black-Ink-Fiction/dp/B09MDLZGHY/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2VP38WZDWJVAF&keywords=black+ink+fiction&qid=1654090896&sprefix=black+ink+fiction%2Caps%2C218&sr=8-1

The Musketeers Vs Cthulhu

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