You are what you eat.
I think there’s certainly something to be for that particular old saw. If you eat lots of fatty things, then you do indeed have a tendency to become a tad fatty yourself (as can be attested by my own increasing reliance on sweatpants and their elasticated waistbands)
It doesn’t always follow, mind you. Eating a year’s supply of pic ‘n’ mix is unlikely to make you any sweeter, and last night’s carbonara is yet to turn me even just a little bit Italian.
It certainly won’t see me making a pig out of myself.
Pasta Tense
Alright, if we’re veering away from the literal and sticking to the colloquial, last night’s meal did indeed see me pig out. This was partly due to the seeming impossibility of correctly judging how much pasta two people can comfortably eat without either suffering from hunger pangs, or exploding like Mr. Creosote from Monty Python, and partly because if you put food in front of me, there’s a better-than-average chance said food will disappear.
What my wife, Tina’s, tagliatelle carbonara can never do, however, is turn me into a literal pig, because her carbonara is bacon, ham, and pancetta free.
Free And Easy
I can hear the gasps and cries now. No bacon? No pancetta? In carbonara? Is that allowed? Wouldn’t that just be pasta in an eggy, creamy, cheesy sauce? Well, no. No, it wouldn’t.
Before I explain, I’ll amp up the suspense just a tad (I know, horrible, ain’t I?), while I explain why the Rankin household’s carbonara is little-piggy-free. It might not be what you think.
Neither Tina, nor I, are vegans or vegetarians. We have no special love for the porcine, no pet Vietnamese Pot-Bellied Pigs with a name and a character, and it’s not a taste or texture thing either. I think we’d both enjoy waking up to down a hot bacon butty (brown sauce, natch) and a cup of coffee.
The problem is, I can’t eat it.
No Guts, No Glory
The issue stems back to a spot of stomach surgery I had in my teens, and the resultant removal of a good part of my lower intestine. This, understandably, caused a few issues with my digestive process (and we’re not just talking biscuits here). I’ll skim over the gory details. Suffice it to say, there were no problems with being sick. No, in my case, things took a different direction.
The root cause was pretty evident, but something was triggering my shorter and harder working gut to misbehave and a food diary soon pointed the finger at the guilty party.
Pork.
I can hear the gasps and cries now. No bacon? No pancetta? In carbonara? Is that allowed? Wouldn’t that just be pasta in an eggy, creamy, cheesy sauce? Well, no. No, it wouldn’t.
Before I explain, I’ll amp up the suspense just a tad (I know, horrible, ain’t I?), while I explain why the Rankin household’s carbonara is little-piggy-free. It might not be what you think.
Neither Tina, nor I, are vegans or vegetarians. We have no special love for the porcine, no pet Vietnamese Pot-Bellied Pigs with a name and a character, and it’s not a taste or texture thing either. I think we’d both enjoy waking up to down a hot bacon butty (brown sauce, natch) and a cup of coffee.
The problem is, I can’t eat it.
No Guts, No Glory
The issue stems back to a spot of stomach surgery I had in my teens, and the resultant removal of a good part of my lower intestine. This, understandably, caused a few issues with my digestive process (and we’re not just talking biscuits here). I’ll skim over the gory details. Suffice it to say, there were no problems with being sick. No, in my case, things took a different direction.
The root cause was pretty evident, but something was triggering my shorter and harder working gut to misbehave and a food diary soon pointed the finger at the guilty party.
Pork.
Yup, ever since then, under threat of much digestive distress, I have found myself unable to eat anything that comes off a pig. Bacon, pork chops, crackling, pork sausage, ham, gammon, belly pork, all of it is off the menu, unless I want to eat that bacon butty on the loo, and most of it I sorely miss.
I say most, because there are piggy things I’ve never eaten. Pulled pork, salami, pepperoni, none of those were freely available when I was growing up, not in the way they are now, and I’ll probably never experience them. Not the real things, anyway.
Cheat Code
To bring us round full circle, there are cheats (and no, this doesn’t make me a cheat). The vegetarian movement, as well as certain religiously mandated cuisines, has made meat-free sausages, Quorn ham, and turkey rashers a commercially viable reality, freely available in all good (and most mediocre) shops. And so, back to the carbonara.
Over the years, my bacon substitute has been Mattheson’s Turkey Rashers,but due to ‘substitution’ in our shopping, we were instead given Najma Smoked Turkey Rashers, and my, what a difference.
The new (not)bacon is significantly more bacon-y. Thinner, with a nice amount of fat incorporated, and what Tina tells me is a pretty spot on taste, they fry really well, and actually crisp up, something Mattheson’s (I hope you’re reading) never did. We’ve used it twice, now, in Tina’s signature dish, and twice I’ve used the surplus for (not)bacon butties in the morning. No loo needed.
I say most, because there are piggy things I’ve never eaten. Pulled pork, salami, pepperoni, none of those were freely available when I was growing up, not in the way they are now, and I’ll probably never experience them. Not the real things, anyway.
Cheat Code
To bring us round full circle, there are cheats (and no, this doesn’t make me a cheat). The vegetarian movement, as well as certain religiously mandated cuisines, has made meat-free sausages, Quorn ham, and turkey rashers a commercially viable reality, freely available in all good (and most mediocre) shops. And so, back to the carbonara.
Over the years, my bacon substitute has been Mattheson’s Turkey Rashers,but due to ‘substitution’ in our shopping, we were instead given Najma Smoked Turkey Rashers, and my, what a difference.
The new (not)bacon is significantly more bacon-y. Thinner, with a nice amount of fat incorporated, and what Tina tells me is a pretty spot on taste, they fry really well, and actually crisp up, something Mattheson’s (I hope you’re reading) never did. We’ve used it twice, now, in Tina’s signature dish, and twice I’ve used the surplus for (not)bacon butties in the morning. No loo needed.
Me Me Me
I know this is all very personal, and some of it might be a bit TMI, but if there is anyone out there who will consume meat, but, for whatever reason, eschew the swine, then whether in Italian dishes, or two slices of bread, I can heartily recommend the Najma product
Is it too early for breakfast?
Until next week.
I know this is all very personal, and some of it might be a bit TMI, but if there is anyone out there who will consume meat, but, for whatever reason, eschew the swine, then whether in Italian dishes, or two slices of bread, I can heartily recommend the Najma product
Is it too early for breakfast?
Until next week.
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