Through The Rain

Hello, dear readers!

And now for something completely different.

No, not Monty Python.

You may notice a change in the blog this week, however, because today (my birthday), I’m taking the day off and handing the reins over to Tina, the wonderful woman who I am lucky enough to share my life with.

And it’s not just the birthday thing. Tina has wanted to find the right time and the right space to share a few things for a while now. So, without further ado, here she is.Every thing from here on here is Tina. Her story, her words.

So, at last the wifey gets to speak. Usually a women needs no excuse to speak, but I think its about time to tell you about my life. You see,18 months ago - I broke. Yes, you heard right, and it sounds quite dramatic, so allow me within this Blog to explain.

According to the Oxford dictionary - to break is ’to be damaged and separated into two or more parts, as a result of force’. In my case, the breaking happened quite gradually, over time - some 47 or so years I suppose.

I can liken my breaking to maybe a windscreen chip …. As a non driver, I don't know much about cars etc, but I do know that if you have a chip on your windscreen that’s been caused by a stone maybe - then more often than not, you can’t just leave it - because it will eventually lead to a crack, then a break, and then a disaster!

So once upon a time, in a galaxy far far away …. ( wrong Epic ) , once upon a time in my life, chips and slight cracks began to appear, and surface damage began to appear. This was due to various things, eg - a birth defect, school bullies, a family break up, a miscarriage, a mentally abusive relationship, a marriage breakdown, a loss of faith, a lack of confidence, a critical illness, dementia - I could go on but I think you get the picture.

These small cracks, or chips in my mental health continued to escalate, from small anxious moments, right up to suicidal thoughts and self harm. This was the moment I can say I broke - the cracks were too many, and I couldn't hold things together anymore.

I am pretty sure that no cracks or breakages could physically be seen, but those around me definitely knew something was wrong. Some people have described depression as like a black cloak surrounding them, and yes, I can identify with that feeling - but my blackness was overwhelming, I couldn't speak, couldn't eat and refused to even step out my front door. This of course made normal life, like going to work, very difficult. Not only that but just simply walking the dog was just impossible. I needed help. The cracks in my mental state couldn't be hidden or covered anymore, I was in real danger, and I think I can rightly say - people close to me feared for my life.

Luckily , for me, help came quickly because I have a husband who nags, a family who care - and an NHS who despite the pandemic, began working with me almost immediately. The help consisted of hospital visits, visits to the mental health unit, home visits, but more importantly - fairly hefty medication. Don't get me wrong, things didn’t always go smoothly, and I found some very unconventional and destructive ways to cope with the pain I was experiencing. I wanted people to physically see how much I was breaking, not just crying out for help, but screaming for attention - because I couldn’t deal with the feelings I was experiencing.

The medication that was eventually settled for me unfortunately has some side effects. I am not the most ‘morning’ person in the world - never have, and probably never will be. But the medication disturbs my sleep pattern, and makes me more lazy than I normally am (at least I admit it !). The pandemic also caused issues - social distancing was amazing. I had a great excuse straight away to stay at home - and I've actually worn a metaphorical mask for many years. Unfortunately the pandemic caused delays to services too. Even though I had good support from the Psychiatric team, access to emergency contacts etc, the thing that I really needed I had to wait for.

I basically needed a really clever person to access my thoughts and feelings, and sort them out into nice manageable piles ( like a big mental chimney sweep ). I needed someone to come along and take a massive big eraser to my past, .someone to stop me hating myself, and someone to physically remove my hands so I couldn't damage myself further. ( Most of my self harm is caused by me scratching my arms, legs etc ). This sort of treatment that I thought I needed was not available unfortunately - so I had to work hard with my CPN ( Community Psychiatric Nurse ). A course that she suggested and highly recommended was a new course that was proving really successful with people with similar issues to me. Of course it had a waiting list - but fortunately - my CPN has the amazing persuasive nagging tendency that my husband seems to have.

And to cut a long, and often painful story short ( don’t want you bored now ), this is where I am today. I am 6 weeks into this 6 month course, and at last, after 18 months of hell - I can now say I have turned a corner. This improvement was tested to its limits when I had to face a person who had actually caused me so much mental damage - but with the help of an amazing husband, amazing family and friends, and good medical management, I didn’t cope too badly - even though I was screaming inside.

But as I proudly say, the corner has definitely been well and truly turned. It is by no means the end of my struggle with my mental health, but rather like another semicolon in my life, it means my story continues.

Until next time

***

Hey, folks! If you would care to take a look at some of my more creative writing, then the links below will transport you to the magical worlds of a few anthologies my short (and in two cases, very short) stories have been included in. Feel free to check ’em out!

New Tales Of Old: Volume 2

https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B09TMVTX9H/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Death Ship

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/9198684140/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_fabc_TWEMTA3KWK7T89QEZPF6?fbclid=IwAR322Fx5nfgVUQAA62ZZ6CUsNnBm8pbSxPanzz6Qkjg3vAv4ESipq7iKKhs

https://www.waterstones.com/book/death-ship/david-green/s-o-green/9789198684148?fbclid=IwAR2gP4CXHSG7wTccO39wOqXFtI81k0259Ep8DUM48Ki6kTUdlKoF3yafojA

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/9198684140/ref=ewc_pr_img_1?smid=A2XZ7JICGUQ1CX&psc=1&fbclid=IwAR2Wa6sGxb82_VCsC7l1CGXwHjsSwTheqba6jDX_G8EDsywZoGpC93nXr2w

Reaperman

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Reaperman-Drabbles-3-Legends-Night-ebook/dp/B099NNPTQ1A

Pestilence

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Pestilence-Revelations-Black-Ink-Fiction/dp/B09MDLZGHY/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2VP38WZDWJVAF&keywords=black+ink+fiction&qid=1654090896&sprefix=black+ink+fiction%2Caps%2C218&sr=8-1

The Musketeers Vs Cthulhu

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Musketeers-Cthulhu-Court-King-Louis-ebook/dp/B09YQKQQB7/ref=sr_1_18?crid=2VP38WZDWJVAF&keywords=black+ink+fiction&qid=1654091002&sprefix=black+ink+fiction%2Caps%2C218&sr=8-18