Unspecial Delivery

Hello, dear reader!

All good things, or so they say, come to he who waits

This week that theory was well and truly put to the test by an experience that showed both the good and the bad sides of customer service

Allow me to elaborate.

The Duplication Game
Despite any evidence to the contrary that may, uh, arise, I generally, in the grand scheme of things, and the absence of certain triggers, like to smell nice. Unfortunately this is something that sometimes needs a little help in the form of a squirt or two of cologne or similar scenty goodness.

The trouble is, that the manly parfum I tend to favour, that which errs on the less ubiquitous side, tends to be prohibitively expensive, especially for someone on a fixed (for now. Until we see what Mr. Starmer has to say) income.

And that’s where dupes come in.

For those not in the kno, dupes, or duplicates, are scents ‘inspired’ by exclusive and expensive scents and smell very similar, but carry a lower price tag making it a treat I can put a little money to one side for. A treat I can afford slightly more often than once every ten-thousand and one years.

Bottle Job
For instance, at the start of this month I invested £40 in a bottle of something close to Baccarat Rouge 540 by Maison Francis Kurkdjan, something reminiscent of molecule 01 by Eccentric Molecules, and something clearly paying homage to Oud Wood by Tom Ford. Delivery was free of charge and the bottles were due to be with me in 48 business hours.

Which two of them were.

As for the third bottle (The BR540), well that’s where the ordeal starts, because, on inspection, the plastic bag the box of bottles came in was torn at one corner, the corresponding corner of the cardboard box was torn, and said bottle missing. It seemed a pretty cut and dried case of theft at some point in the package’s journey to me and it left me feeling decidedly unchuffed.

Still, I had the details of the carrier (Evri) as well as the photographic evidence of everything I’ve just noted. I rang the helpline I had to find online, was taken through an automated menu, another and then another and finally left a message I was told would prompt a ring back within 24 hours.

Something that didn’t happen.

Still, it had been relatively late in the day when I made my detailed complaint. I decided to bear this in mind and show a little patience in the form of 24 more hours. After all, fair’s fair.

And yet…

The Automaton Game
At this point I was like a dog with a bone. A man on a mission. A man in search of restitution. Of fairness. Of a living, breathing someone to complain to I called Evr back, found myself faced with the exact same pre planned menus, and an automated message. My complaint was being ‘looked into’.

How this was being done was a bit of a mystery as I hadn’t provided any evidence to investigate. I decided to raise this point, and having seemingly investigated the automated phone system, tried the chat box supplied online.

I got in a chat with an ‘operative’ who had a name but was rather, uh, robotic in their responses and could shed no further light on the situation, typed spookily fast, and refused to answer direct questions, including ones like ‘are you a chatbot?” and ‘you are a machine, aren’t you?’. I suspected the worst.

Exhausted by this fruitless ordeal, I turned to Smel, the company I ordered from. I doubted they had any direct responsibility for the issue, but at this point I was tearing my hair out.

Service With A Shine
Thankfully, in response to my query, I received an email with all the hallmarks of the human touch. Rose apologised for my inconvenience and requested pictorial evidence (which I had) in order to help me further. I sent the requested photos, and within 24 hours got an email back to me that Smel would replace the missing item at their own expense. 24 further hours was all it took for said missing item to arrive at my door. I had, in a couple of days, achieved what a week of to-ing and fro-ing with Evri and their impersonal, monolithic, and unhelpful automated system which seemed designed to get in the way of customer service and stop any customer speaking to any actual representative could not.

Having worked customer services myself, the whole incident is a shining example of just how and how not to provide a helpful, considerate, and timely experience. The AI chatbots and endless phone menus may well be the future. They may be cost effective. A happy customer, however, they make not. Smel will get my business again, when I have the money to spare. Evri? Well, even if I was in a position to use them, I doubt there’s a universe I would do so in.

Oh, and I got an email from Evri two days after getting my replacement saying they were unable to help. Well, duh!


Until next time.


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Hey, there! If you enjoyed reading any of the above, why not take a look at some of my published work? Below you’ll find links to a number of short stories I’m lucky enough to have included in anthologies. I’d love to know what you think.


New Tales Of Old


Death Ship


Pestilence: Drabbles 1


Reaperman: Drabbles 3


The Musketeers Vs Cthulhu


Eldritch Investigations