So as promised by my husband (The cheek !) here's some thoughts from a more female perspective on some of the events from the last month or so.
The saga began with a phone call, which prompted a series of events that haven't really slowed down… Yet.
Doctor Google
Mum had a bad chest infection, which for someone with her frailty. along with Low SATS etc is bad news and we were called to be at her bedside as the health professionals didn't think that she would survive the next 24 hours or so.
As someone who knows a little about medical stuff (due to Dr google and being an avid watcher of all things emergency on TV) I thought i was prepared… but how wrong I was.
Its different watching someone you don't know and love on the TV live out there final moments in front of your eyes, but potentially watching someone who has been in your life, nurturing and loving you, well, all of your life, provoked emotions I didn't know I had.
The Call
I was preparing myself to lose someone that I had in fact lost a few years ago. Dementia has stolen my mum piece by piece until almost everything recognisable has faded away. So in that car journey to the far away land of Bradford to be with mum, I felt numb and scared - and very unprepared. Mum has had some really poorly times over the past few years, but this was the first time we have been called in with the words ‘ you need to come as quickly as possible, we don't think your mum is gonna make it ‘ .
So we made the journey…. And sat by her bedside carefully observing her breathing and trying to keep ourselves sane by sharing stories of mum with each other. We laughed, we cried, we sung, and we waited for what seemed to be 50 hours. Some of mums Grandchildren made the journey to come and see her, and in a way it was so lovely to see them - but bitter sweet too.
Well, we waited, and waited (some of us went home to charge cars and rest, while others watched comedy and ate lots of crisps and snacks), and miraculously, mum began to ‘ come round’. Within 24-48 hours, she was back to her very confused self, maybe a bit weaker and more frail, but she was here.
Home
This change of events - made our holiday (a very much anticipated and needed trip to our favourite place - Turkey) much less daunting, and much more enjoyable than we had imagined it would be. I know mum would have encouraged us to go and have a good time, and forget what was happening at home - but that obviously would have been difficult if we’d have lost her that day.
I have to say, that after we knew she was 'out of the woods' - I did start to become quite angry. As so many know, dementia is a horrifically cruel illness - as especially with mum - I feel that she is frustrated and would in fact hate how she has become. I wanted, and obviously still want mum to be free of the physical pain, but more importantly free of the mental pain of Dementia. That night, whilst we waited at her bedside, watching her chest rise and fall, could have been the end of her suffering. But something (whether you believe in God or whatever) has decided that she, and her family should endure the suffering for a little bit longer.
I struggle with that and even after two beautiful weeks in Turkey, jetlag, a stomach bug, and a car accident for my sister …… I still struggle massively. The salvation army in particular talk about death, especially in regards to someone who professes faith - as ‘going home‘. I think my mum has been homesick for a good while.
Whenever
Part of me feels guilty for saying that I want her to be out of turmoil, because that would mean her actually going home, and she's been the most amazing mum to three kids, and an amazing influence on so many others and would be sorely missed. But I already miss her so much, even though she's still alive. And that really is a hard thing to come to terms with.
My new tattoo (yes I got a my first tattoo at fifty-one years old) is of a phoenix and a semi colon - and has huge significance for my life. A phoenix rises from the ashes, and a semi-colon carries on a sentence when it could finish.
Read into this what you will - but i hope it somehow symbolises a reality for so many—definitely a reality that I live every day—and my beautiful mum continues, against all odds - to live for as longs as ‘whenever’.
Until next time!
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Hey, there! If you enjoyed reading any of the above, why not take a look at some of my published work? Below you’ll find links to a number of short stories I’m lucky enough to have included in anthologies. I’d love to know what you think. My debut novel, The Heart That Died, is available now as both paperback, E-book, and on Kindle Unlimited, so I’m adding the link to that, too.
Oh, and if you like what you look-see, a nice, positive review would also be most welcome.
The Heart That Died
New Tales Of Old
Death Ship
Pestilence: Drabbles 1
Reaperman: Drabbles 3
The Musketeers Vs Cthulhu
Eldritch Investigations
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